Thanks to social media and the constant shares of dating horror stories, the phrase “the dating pool has pee in it” has been coined. Intentional review of dating content in conjunction with relational information available through personal experiences affirm this phrase in many cases. However, there are insightful resources based on research and science that claim that relationships have become difficult because of reasons most of us are oblivious to. Those reasons that I am speaking of are US.
I once heard a woman say, “dating would be so much easier if people would act right.” Without any explanation or examples, it is easily understood what is meant by “act right” but I would like to pose a deeper question: How much easier would dating be if we acted right? Those of us who are exhausted at the idea of continuing to know people become hyper critical of dating. Although we have reasoning to do so based on our experiences, the center of our concerns is less about the actual people and more about what we allow from these people.
Dating, being in a relationship, and learning someone new will always seem difficult when many of us refuse to be accountable for the situations we have created for ourselves. A prime example of confusion within dating is the conversation involving “decentering” men. For properly dissecting a conversation piece, let us look at the definition of decenter:
According to Merriam-Webster, decenter means “to cause to lose or shift from an established center or focus.” The definition continues with “to disconnect practical or theoretical assumptions or origin, priority, or essence.” Decentering men places emphasis on putting yourself at the center. Although the message behind this is empowering, it is very generalized. A person who is actively dating or seeking a relationship shouldn’t be assumed to have men at the center of their world. Telling women to “focus on yourself” or “get a hobby” or “stay busy” is overlooking what lies at the center of seeking partnership: the desire for connection. Sure, we can connect to family, maintain close friendships, participate in stimulating hobbies, and learn to love and grow in solitude but the desire for connection, specifically romantic, will rise again. It is understood that not everyone wants the same things. Many people don’t want marriage. Many people don’t want any type of commitment. For those of us who do why are we forced to suppress our desire for romantic connection and be looked down upon when we choose to seek partnership versus just “letting it happen.”
Instead of decentering men (or women depending on your dating preferences as the reader) there are other aspects that we can decenter that could potentially make dating a more pleasant experience:
Decenter Societal Norms: You’re in charge of your life, and you get to decide what does and what doesn’t work for you. Do this by becoming crystal clear about your life through reflection.
Decenter Not Trusting Yourself: Although it is normal to seek advice and guidance from others, no one knows what you need better than you. Learning yourself creates sureness in what you want.Â
Decenter Expectations: Know that people will show you who they are to release being fearful of choosing wrong. When this happens, believe that you have the courage, bravery, and power to walk away from any situation that does not feel ideal to what you need to thrive.
I am aware that the message in this article may be easier said than done. I will close this out by inviting you to spend some intentional time with yourself. Sit with yourself and monitor your thoughts. Journal your thoughts if you feel called to. Without background noise, music, or any other person present, this will provide you with a chance to deepen connection with yourself and understand who you are, what your values are, and why your conclusions are of high importance. In continuing to learn what you need; you will learn more about your desires and over time learning someone else will become something to look forward to. During these times it is important that we don’t let worldly views distort our curiosity and desires for romantic partnership with others.
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Written By: India Jae
